It's my world

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Well, what can i say. Man Utd become champion again, and this time it is a Carling Cup. A match ended in a 0-0 draw after 120 minutes, resulted in a penalty kick in which the score ended Man Utd managed to convert 4 kicks and Spurs just managed to score a solitary goal through Corluca. The match was not as great as other Man Utd fans were expected, most probably due to the line up fielded by Sir Alex which comprised mostly of the second choice players, like Welbeck and Gibson. Nevertheles, the boys did it and and we are still running for the quadraple this year. The team are still running for the league title (7 points ahead of Chelsea), Champions League (home advantage against Inter Milan next week) and FA Cup (in the Quater Finals stage against Fulham)Fingers crossed..Glory,Glory Man Utd.

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
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The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
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Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
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Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
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A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave
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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

I always like to do alternative endings in my class. It’s something that can challenge my students’ creativities besides letting them discuss and show their capabilities to produce their own masterpiece. What I normally do is, I will ask my students to sit in small groups and try to come out with an alternative ending of certain stories that we have discussed earlier. In my case, since I teach form 5 students, I like to do alternative endings on the short stories like The Lotus Eater and even The Necklace. And sometimes, I would also ask them to think their own version of The Pearl, on how it supposed to end.
Talking about The Pearl, most of my students, past and present do not really like its ending. They always think that Kino and his family deserved something much better after all that they have gone through. Some of them suggested Kino not to throw away the pearl, instead keeping it and start a new life, and many more versions. Yesterday, I did this alternative ending activity in one of my form5 classes, and I promised to publish the best version in my blog. So the group winner is comprised of Nur Amalina, Rayhana, Mastika, Suhaina and Fiona Farhain from 5 Nilam. This is their version of alternative ending to The Pearl which starts after Kino stopped Juana from throwing away the pearl.

Kino hits Juana’s face and kicks her in the side because Juana wants to throw away the pearl. Later, Juana managed to take the pearl away from Kino after he was unconscious being attacked by an unknown attacker. Juana makes up her mind. She brings Coyotito and the pearl with her. They went to the sea by Kino’s only canoe and in the middle of the sea; Juana throws away the pearl far from her sight.
After regaining his consciousness, Kino tries to find Juana and his son but to no avail. He even asks for help from his brother, Juan Tomas to search for his missing wife and son.
Juana and Coyotito were somewhere in the middle of the sea when suddenly she realizes that she does not really know where she should go. This is the first time in her life that she is ever miles apart from her husband. After makes up her mind, she then decides to return back to her husband because she feels really sorry for her action.
Unfortunately, before she even starts her journey back, heavy rains fall down and Juana finds it difficult to steer her canoe and before she is able to stabilize the canoe, Coyotito suddenly fell into the sea. Juana quickly jumps to save her baby. However, she could not find him. Out of a sudden, a big wave hits Juana and makes her unconscious.
It has been two days the last time Kino sees Juana. He feels very lonely and the loneliness has made him a different man. He becomes quiet and likes to sit alone. He even does not take his food and locks himself in his house. On the third day, Juan Tomas finds the dead body of Kino in his room clutching the shirt of Coyotito. At the very same day, the villagers find the body of Juana and Coyotito at the shore, lying closed to each other.

It was a worth game to watch last nite..eventhough i had to go to school early in the morning but it was a worth waiting game at 12 am when you could see your favourite team Man Utd beat the so called Big 4, Chelsea. It was a well deserved win where Man Utd can easily score 4-5 goals. We still have two games in hand and hopefully by the end of the month we will be at the top of the league again. My man of the match should go to the ever industrious Park Ji Sung and the ever so reliable and strong Nermanda Vidic..Glory, glory Man Utd..Chelsea who..hua hua hua...

I found some collection of jokes in the net in which i would like to share with you. Mind you, all of them are clean jokes ok..:)

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
1.Telegram
2.Telephone
3.Tell a woman

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."